It happened so fast, in fact, that it wasn’t until Friday that it really and truly hit me that after four years of working from home and getting to be with Milo all day, we’re going to be separated.

snow day

I know that it will be harder on me than it will be on him. He will be home with Matt, and they will be having adventures, going to preschool, running errands, playing, going on walks… his day-to-day life will hardly change at all.

walking in the snow

But I will miss him so much.

I have been trying to soak it all up. I have taken him on some mom-and-son dates in the last few days. Friday, we went to the library, followed by happy hour pizza slices at Pizza Fino:

goofy

Saturday, we were lucky enough to be invited to a complimentary meal at the opening weekend of a new vegan restaurant here in the Portland area, Veggie Grill.

We were given a cool product to play with, Wikki Stix, while we waited for our food, so of course we spelled Milo’s name.

milo spelled in wikki stix

I had been told by friends that I had to try the buffalo wings, and sure enough: they were spicy and delicious!

Veggie Grill buffalo wings

I had the Santa Fe Chickin’ sandwich and Milo had the Chickin’ Nuggets:

Santa Fe Chickin' Sandwich

Milo eats his nuggets

I think that Milo enjoyed his sweet potato fries more than the nuggets themselves, no surprise there.

This afternoon, I have some low-key family time in mind. I might give Milo’s hair a trim. If it stays dry, we might go for a hike or a scooter ride (Milo) and walk (Matt and me). If Milo has his say, there will be at least one game of Candyland played. I will take way too many pictures. Milo will put up with it so long as I show them to him on the iPhone afterward. It will be just another afternoon for him. Hopefully he won’t notice me sniffling and wiping at my eyes.

The parenting books all talk about your preschooler asserting his independence, and how you should be so glad that he’s forming his own opinions and identity separate from yours, because you don’t want a child who is a conformist, who mindlessly follows every instruction given to him and complies with every request made of him. Yes, sure. That is all well and good when I’m reading a book, but when we’re on the third tantrum of the day and it’s not even 9 AM, I’m thinking: “Compliance would be nice occasionally. You know, just for a change.”

Matt checked out the book Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy¹ from the library, and when I read this paragraph, I actually exclaimed: “YES!” outloud:

Three is a conforming age. Three-and-a-half is just the opposite. Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of a young child. It sometimes seems to his mother that his main concern is to strengthen his will, and he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him by that still most important person in his life, his mother.

The authors have identified that young children go in patterns of six months of equilbrium followed by six months of disequilibrium which tend to correspond roughly to their age. This has definitely been the case for Milo. When he was two years old, Matt and I often commented to each other: “Why do people say Terrible Twos? This is the easiest time we’ve ever had with him. So much easier than 18 months…” Then, about 4 months before his third birthday, he felt very out-of-control to us. It seemed to even out a month or so after his third birthday, and it was smooth sailing until… a couple of months ago. Equilibrium. Disequilibrium. Just when you’re starting to exhale and relax and accept the relative calm as the new normal, things go haywire again.

It was reassuring to read that his behavior is 100% in line with where he should be developmentally for his age group, and that he was just acting like a normal three-and-a-half-year-old. But truthfully, it was even more reassuring to know that this too shall pass, and soon. His fourth birthday is only three weeks away. We just have to be patient, allow him to be himself, use parenting techniques to handle the tantrums as they occur—this usually involves my repeating: “Composure. Composure.” to myself in my head when I can see him gearing up for a meltdown—breathe, and…did I mention be patient yet?

Meanwhile, I am trying to stay present and enjoy this time. Because even on the hardest of days, we still have so much fun, and the last thing that I want to do is sweep the good under the rug with the bad. I have been lucky enough to stay home with Milo for the first 4 years of his life, but that’s about to change, and I know that I will miss it desperately: making pancakes for him in the morning while dancing to music, helping him pick out his clothes for the day, snuggling with him in bed on the days where he wakes up before I do.

The other morning, he crawled into bed with us and the very first words he said to me were: “I love you so much, Mommy. You are the loveliest girl in this whole wide world.”

“I love you so much, too, buddy.”

¹ I should say that as far as parenting advice goes, this series leaves a lot to be desired. It was written in the 1980s and boy is it antiquated. But while parents have changed in the last 25 years, children have not, so if you read it purely as a case study of children age by age, it’s a good resource.

Hopefully, by the end of this week, things will be looking and performing the way that I want them to be!

In the meantime, I just wanted to share this with you:

Milo writes his name

Milo wrote his name for the first time last weekend!

I have been writing his name and encouraging him to try to copy the letters underneath, and he has been able to do “I” and “O” for awhile, but this was the first time he wrote his whole name. I’m a proud mama.

Since I’ve already boarded the train to Bragtown, USA, check out this face he drew at preschool last week:

a face, by Milo

I know that I’m biased, but that’s a pretty good face, right? Every time I pass the fridge since I hung it up, I admire it. The hair is my favorite part.

Two weeks ago, Milo started attending preschool two mornings a week, and I guess that I was expecting it to be a big step for him, or for him to come home and regale me with stories for hours, but he seriously could not be more blasé about the entire experience. When Matt picks him up, he walks in the door and heads straight to the table where I have his lunch waiting. “How was preschool?” I ask. “Good. Chickpeas!” He eats his chickpeas with his fingers. “What did you do?” I ask. He shrugs. “Did you have fun?..” I ask hopefully. “Yes,” he replies. And that’s it. I think I’m getting a glimpse into what the next several years hold for us.

Milo put on my sunglasses to brush his teeth

I’m not too worried.

This past Sunday, I took Milo to brunch, letting Matt sleep in.

Milo chose and then ordered his own food. He eschewed the proffered sippy cup in favor of drinking out of a “big” cup. He quietly colored while we waited for the food to arrive, making small talk with me. When the food arrived, he said: “Thanks!” to the server without being prompted to do so. He used the knife to cut up his veggie sausage by himself.

very serious about coloring

As I watched all of this happen, I had to fight back the knot that was growing in my throat. My kid is done.

Okay, he might need me to help him learn how to read and write and to drive him around for the next 13 years, but seriously: done.

Is there a word for the combination of relief and grief?

the day that Matt became a dad

Maybe it’s because he has been the stay-at-home dad to Milo since the day that Milo was born, but their communication is so effortless, their relationship so easy, their connection so enviable.

going for a walk

Sure, I am biased, but I am not alone in thinking this. I can’t count on two hands the number of times that strangers have commented on Matt’s parenting: on planes, in restaurants, on the bus, in the park, in the grocery store. It’s usually little old ladies, who inevitably turn to me and say, with an awed voice: “He is so good with him.”

walking hand in hand

I know. I know.

my favorite people

Milo, as you get older, you will come to discover that your parents don’t always have the easiest time with everything. We both struggle on a daily basis with tasks that other people seem to make easy work of. Maybe you have already noticed. As much as we try to be the best possible versions of ourselves around you, we are still human. We still make mistakes all the time.

the apple and the tree it didn't fall far from

But you should know that for your dad, loving you has always been second nature to him.

He was born to be your dad.

learning from the best

I started making smoothies for him mostly because it’s the easiest way to ensure that he’s getting his nutrients. Even if we reach the end of the day and Matt and I compare notes and we realize that he ate granola twice and hummus twice but left everything else on his plate, at least I know that he drank his smoothie.

Usually I alternate “Purple” with “Blue” every day, but “Orange” and “Brown” make the occasional appearance for variety’s sake.

A couple of notes:

• I personally think that putting either ice or water in a smoothie should be avoided at all costs because it waters down the smoothie (duh, it’s water), but I included water here as an alternative to juice if you’re in the camp that doesn’t like to keep juice around.
• Pitted dates are a great way to add extra sweetness without adding a sweetener, plus they are high in fiber and vitamins, especially potassium and b-complex vitamins.
• Flaxmeal: You already know how great flax is, right? How it’s a wonderfood full of protein, omega 3 fatty acids, fiber, lignins, the list goes on an on? Milo’s granola and muesli also contain flaxmeal, so I’m just gilding the lily by adding it to his smoothie, but better safe than sorry! As an added bonus, when flaxmeal combines with liquid, it thickens up the smoothie and gives it that nice, rich mouth feel so that you think that you’re drinking something a lot richer than you are.
• Spinach is paired with orange juice in “Purple” because the vitamin C in the orange juice aides the absorption of the iron in the spinach. If I didn’t want to use orange juice in that smoothie, then I would probably add seedless orange segments directly to the smoothie.

Purple:

1 cup loosely packed baby spinach leaves
1/2 cup frozen berries
1 pitted date
2 teaspoons flaxmeal
1/2 cup orange juice or water

Blue/Pink (color depends on berries):

half a banana
1/2 cup frozen berries
1/4 cup coconut milk yogurt, plain or vanilla (optional)
1 pitted date
2 teaspoons flaxmeal
2 tablespoons hemp protein powder (optional)
1/2-3/4 cup nondairy milk (we like almond and hazelnut best)

Orange:

half a banana
1/2 cup frozen peaches or 1/2 frozen banana
1 pitted date
2 teaspoons flaxmeal
1/2 cup orange juice or water

Brown:

I hardly ever make this one, maybe once a month, but it’s a good fallback if you accidentally ran out of the regular smoothie stuff.

half a banana
1 pitted date
1 tablespoon almond butter
2 teaspoons flaxmeal
1 tablespoon hemp protein powder (optional)
1/2 cup nondairy milk

Lately, however, he’s been noticeably lacking in one department: long-sleeved t-shirts. Long-sleeved t-shirts are a necessity when it’s 50-70 degrees ten months of year and you live in a drafty, 100-year-old house.

Coincidentally, I had recently started the process of spring cleaning and had decided to finally get rid of some clothing, and I discovered a stockpile of t-shirts that I don’t wear anymore. “Hey,” I thought, “can I kill two birds with one stone here¹ and turn these into long-sleeved t-shirts for Milo?”

I hunted around on the internet for a tutorial and came up with this one: Make a toddler dress from a t-shirt. I figured that if I just did steps 1-3 and then hemmed the bottom of the shirt instead of attaching the “skirt,” it would be a nice long-sleeved t-shirt.

Success! This was really easy! Including cutting time, it only took me an hour and a half to make Milo six new long-sleeved t-shirts.

Milo's new long-sleeved t-shirts

This one is his favorite:

TARAL shirt

He loves the cowgirl!

Here he is modelling a couple of the shirts after naptime. The face he’s making is his fake smile for photos. I can’t get him to stop doing it. “Smile for REAL!” Then he makes this face.

Milo in his favorite cowgirl shirt

Milo in his People's Coop shirt, or "bicycle" shirt

Milo in his Okkervil River or "bird" shirt

Tips for anyone who wants to use this tutorial:

• Adult shirts that have smaller/tighter necks work better for toddlers. American Apparel shirts tend to have tighter necks.
• Pinking shears are your best friend when it comes to trimming off the excess jersey material after hemming up the shirt.

¹ Sorry, vegans.

Then this morning, I had the opportunity to use a technique straight from the pages of Love and Logic, and it worked so well that I had to share it:

Every Saturday morning, my family goes to Sweetpea. Milo loves going to Sweetpea and looks forward to it all week long. He loves it so much that one of his favorite “Let’s Pretend” games is: “Let’s pretend we’re going to Sweetpea!”

But Saturday morning rolls around and, without fail, Milo drags his feet while he’s getting ready. Even though he’s been able to dress himself for months, he’ll tell me that he can’t put his socks on. Then he can’t find his shoes. (They’re always in the same place.) Then he wants to bring his backpack. Then he doesn’t want to bring his backpack. Then he doesn’t waaaaaannnna go to Sweetpea.

Thus, every Saturday morning, I spend 10-15 minutes repeating things like: “Give it a try and if you still can’t do it, Mama will help you,” and, “They’re in the basket.” (They’re always in the basket.) And: “You don’t have to take your backpack.” It’s really irritating! There have been many mornings that, by the time that we’re all in the car, I am not even in the mood to go out anymore.

This morning, I decided to use a technique from Love and Logic instead. When Milo started stalling, I said: “We’re leaving for Sweetpea when Daddy is done feeding the cats.”¹ He proceeded to follow me around the house while I got ready, pulling out all the tricks. Only: I didn’t respond to him at all. I smiled at him, I put on my shoes, I fixed my hair, but I acted as if he wasn’t talking.

When Matt was about to come in from feeding the cats, Milo was no closer to being ready to leave, so I stepped outside and pulled the door behind me and said to Matt: “I’m trying something. I need you to back me up, don’t question what’s going on, just go along with it,” and he agreed, and I ducked back into the house.

When Matt walked in the door, I said, in as cheerful and resolute a voice as I could manage: “Okay, Daddy is done feeding the cats, let’s go,” and I scooped Milo’s socks, shoes, and coat into his backpack and picked it up.

Milo was totally baffled as he stood there in bare feet. When we opened the door and he saw that we were being serious, he walked slowly out of the house and then saw the rocky path. “Uh oh,” I said, “Do you want to walk on the rocks barefoot or do you want Daddy to carry you to the car like he did when you were a baby?” Milo tried to walk on the rocks, but changed his mind immediately and opted for Matt to carry him.

When we got in the car and Milo was buckled into his carseat, I turned around and asked: “Do you want to put on your socks and shoes now or when we get to Sweetpea?” Milo mumbled: “Now,” and I pulled the socks and shoes out of his backpack and passed them back to him. He put them on quickly and with no complaints. When we were almost at Sweetpea, I asked: “Do you want to put on your coat now, or do you want to leave it in the backpack?” He chose to leave it in the backpack.

Hooray! Thank you, Love and Logic! No more Saturday mornings repeating the same phrases over and over again! Now Milo knows that we will happily leave the house whether he’s ready or not.

¹ The book recommends using a time, like: “We’re leaving the house in 10 minutes,” but Milo hasn’t quite mastered clock reading yet, whereas he knows from experience exactly how long it takes his dad to feed the cats.

The way I see it, parenting is a job, and it’s up to me to do the career training. I wouldn’t call up the CEO of Whole Foods and say: “Hey, I think I should run one of your stores. I’ve been shopping at grocery stores my whole life, and I eat food, and I watch a lot of television shows about food, and some of my friends have worked at Whole Foods, so I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. I’ll just use my instincts, and if I’m confused about something, I’ll ask one of my friends.” That would be ludicrous.¹

Please don’t think I’m writing this entry from the position of: “I am an authority on parenting, so you should listen to me.” No way. That’s why I read books, because they are the authorities, and I am still trying to figure it all out. I make mistakes all of the time. I think every parent goes to bed at night punishing himself for some stupid decision he made that day. But I do feel a little bit better if I can tell myself, truthfully, that I tried my best. The wisdom in these books made my life easier, so I wanted to share them for that reason.

The first three months: The Happiest Baby on the Block
If I could, I would buy this book (or the dvd) for every new parent. For my money, the best thing about The Happiest Baby method is not that it gets your newborn to stop crying 9 times out of 10—although that is invaluable, don’t get me wrong—but that it offers the dad a chance to help take part in the nurturing process from day one. Matt got this technique down so well that he could take baby Milo from a full-on howl to silent contentment in under 30 seconds. It was awesome! I honestly don’t know what we would have done without this book. We would have gotten a lot less sleep, that’s for sure.

The first two years: The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two
It’s all there in the title: the ultimate reference for every issue you could possibly encounter in the first two years.

Communication: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
It says “kids,” but really the principles in this book will improve your communication with every person in your life. I know that I said “Top 5″ books, but if this list were comprised of just 1 book, it would be this one. I reread it every six months. It’s golden. Run, run, run to buy it or add it to your library hold list.

Positive discipline: Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years
Love and Logic just makes sense. I’m going to quote from the book:

Love and Logic can be boiled down to two simple rules for adults: Rule #1: Take care of yourself by setting limits in a loving way. Rule #2: Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity.

I use Love and Logic not just with Milo but with all the kids who are with me at my daycare, and I can tell you that it works for every single one of them. Of course it does! It’s not a trick.

I know a lot of parents swear by 1-2-3 Magic, and after reading it, I can see how it might work well for school-aged children, but for toddlers, the Love and Logic approach feels much more intuitive to me.

Learning: Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less
This book, along with John Holt’s classic How Children Learn are my favorite books about the important role of play in how children learn, especially in the critical first three years.

¹Also, I’d never call that guy because he’s the worst.

It’s my favorite time of year and I’m full of holiday merriment. I love decorating for the holidays. I spread it out over several weeks so that the final touches are going up in the days just before Christmas. Right now, I spend every morning before work sitting on the couch next to Milo, tucked under the same blanket as him, drinking my coffee and doing a crossword or reading in front of the tree:

living room, decked out for Christmas

It’s such a pleasant way to start the day.

I love seeing the decorations in the homes of some of my favorite bloggers, too. What I love most about Christmas decorations is that the best ones are inexpensive, handmade or vintage, utterly and totally unpretentious in every way!

Like the snowflakes and the cranberry-and-popcorn garland on Alicia Paulson‘s hearth:

photo from Alicia Paulson's Posie Gets Cozy blog

And check out this sweet vintage aluminum tree bedecked with doll dresses in Elsie‘s home.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been checking Mary Engelbreit‘s Christmas books out of the library and just flipping through them. Usually, her work is a little too cutesy and dear for me (yes, even for me), but at Christmas, it hits just the right note. Red gingham and black and white check and scottie dogs and cherry prints and vintage toys and snow villages, yes yes yes! I love the enthusiasm and “Pine swags for every room! A stack of wrapped presents in coordinated papers on every surface!” approach of a Mary Engelbreit or Martha Stewart, partly because I can close the book or magazine whenever I want and return to my slightly more understated holiday home.

A new addition to our holiday home this year: Ralphie’s house from A Christmas Story:

Ralphie's house

I saw this at a Christmas store in Stone Harbor, NJ¹ this summer and couldn’t help myself. I mean, it’s a model of Ralphie’s house, complete with the major award in the front window!

Having a 3-year-old has only made me more psyched about decking the halls. This year, Milo has helped with every aspect of decorating our home. As we were putting the finishing touches on the Christmas tree, he turned to me and said: “Thank you for helping me put up the tree, Mommy.” Awww!

the matching pajamas were Milo's idea, I swear

It is an ongoing goal of mine—#47, to be precise—to create holiday and birthday traditions for Milo which are more about wonder, rituals, family, and friends than they are about presents. We are trying earnestly to attend every public celebration, tree lighting, and festival that we can possibly stand.

Here are my favorite dudes at the St Johns tree lighting:

on Daddy's shoulders

Our hunky mayor getting some assistance with lighting the tree:

St Johns Christmas tree lighting

It’s been raining every day for a solid week, and is supposed to continue for the next week and a half (thanks, El Nina!), but we’re trying to take advantage of the sun when it happens, or else just ignore the rain like real Portlanders and go about our business, anyway. And when it is raining? Well, all the more reason to stay inside with a mug of cider, some cookies, and yet another viewing of Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas.

Finally, as a Christmas present to me—I can only assume that this is why it happened—my favorite live band of all time, The Dismemberment Plan, announced that they were adding one west coast show to their reunion tour. So I’m going to see The Dismemberment Plan in March in Seattle! Hooray! Merry Christmas to me! I will be able to cross off #44 on my Life List!

¹ Why are all the best Christmas stores in beach towns? Next question: where is the person who wants to gift me a large sum of money to move to a beach town and open up a Christmas store?